20 More Ways to Improve Your Crappy Life (Guest Post) by @JackSht

@JackSht

Jack Sh*t is starting to regret his tattoo "Born to Be an HTML-Raiser!"

Despite all my best efforts, you inexplicably did not improve your crappy life after I spent nearly ten minutes coming up with a detailed action plan for you. Well, you know what they say: fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on you; fool me three times, shame on you, fool me four times… well, I think you get the picture.

My point? Please, please, PLEASE pay attention this time and strictly, blindly follow these life-improving pointers. I have my own stupid blog to write and my own crappy life to improve… I simply can’t keep coming over here and keep providing you the benefits of my wisdom (that is, unless Joyce lets me…)

 

1. Wear a jaunty hat and use fancy words such as “blandiloquent,” “pandiculation” and “jaunty”.

2. Always looking for your cordless phone? Simply tie a string on it and attach it to the base.

3. There is literally no limit to how many clothes you can jam into the washing machine, no matter what the repairman keeps saying.

4. When you’re stuck in gridlocked traffic, use that time to practice yelling obscenities at other motorists.

5. If there’s a co-worker who you simply can’t get along with, try to avoid controversial topics, such as politics, religion and the fact that you always come to work late and sneak out early.

6. One way to get more exercise while sitting on the sofa and watching TV is to get up and go exercise.

7. Sending just one extra payment to your lender just one month on the first year of your mortgage slices five months of payments on the mortgage. Now imagine paying 25 extra payments in one month. If I had a calculator, I’d add that up for you, but I’m guessing it’s substantial savings!

8. Two advantages to carpooling to work: (1) saves gas money and (2) gives you an audience to practice singing your favorite yodeling cowboy songs.

9. Kindness and hard work will take you further than intelligence, but not as far as your dad owning the company.

10. One way to tell if the light ahead is opportunity or an oncoming train is to look down at your feet. Are you standing on railroad tracks?

11. Keep an ongoing list of people who have wronged you and exact your revenge all at one time (preferably at a party where they’re all in attendance).

12. It’s important to get plenty of sleep, so try going to bed the night before.

13. Remember, when you “poison” someone, you make a “po” out of “I” and your “son”.

14. If you save just one penny per day, you can save almost $275 after 75 years.

15. Don’t be afraid to ask doctors questions, such as “Can I borrow $500?”

16. Nothing changes if nothing changes (whoa… I just blew my own mind)

17. If you’re working at a chocolate factory and the conveyor belt starts speeding up, for God’s sake, just notify your supervisor. We’ve been having trouble with that conveyor belt for months!

18. Try to convince yourself to have self-confidence, no matter how much of a loser you actually are.

19. Do like my dad Horace and drive all over town to see if you can find gas for a penny cheaper.

20. You can enhance cognitive and creative abilities by learning a foreign language or learning to play a musical instrument. You can double this effect by learning to play a foreign musical instrument.

 

 Jack Sh*t’s blog (Jack Sh*t, Gettin’ Fit) has been called “a low-down diet-y shame” by U.S. Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. When not blogging, Jack works as a Knife Thrower’s Assistant’s assistant, where he sharpens knives, sews sequins back on outfits when they get knocked off and stands in when the KTA is sick.

Comments

comments

Comments

  1. there is always a sh*tton of wisdom in Jack’s posts even though he tries valiantly to tell us otherwise.
    And sh*t now I’m second guessing that spelling of val-eeeee-ant-ly

  2. I already do #4!!!

  3. What more can I say – he is Jack Sh*t!!!! I hate to say that I live #4 here in crowded southern CA! 😉

    • Joyce Cherrier says:

      I agree Jody – he’s an original that Jack! 

      I think we need rewards & points for #4! Like frequent flyer miles! 

  4.  Hard to see post, the Share Panel is in the way.

  5. Words to live by indeed, especially number 9! lol

  6. Great tips! Also very funny! 🙂

  7.  Great tips as always… but shucks, why aren’t they making my life any better? 🙂

    • Joyce Cherrier says:

      I think we’re supposed to keep repeating all the steps over and over. I’ve been working hard on #1 myself. 🙂 

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